Dear Incoming Student,
We are very pleased to have you here at LPB School of Law at LPB University. Our decision to take our courses back into the classroom WAS NOT EASY. We had to weigh your health against our need for you not to ask us for discounts. In the end, we have come up with a compromise position that we think you will like up to the point where you end up ill.
First, there will be temperature checks. At some point during the day, you must check in at one of our three locations across our 100-acre campus. If your temperature is above 101, the monitor station will say the following to you: “Shhh. Walk very quietly off of campus and don’t tell anyone you have COVID. You don’t want us to have to layoff the sanitation staff, do you?”
Wallet. Keys. Mask. You should be thinking about bringing those items to school in that order. Because you’ll need to pay tuition. And don’t forget parking! You don’t want us to have to lay off the kitchen staff, do you? Keys to drive the car, and mask so we have the appearance that our well-crafted protocols will keep you safe as you socially distance in the classroom and then cram into a hallway full of people. And eat in the cafeteria crammed next to each other with your masks off.
Our deputy assistant under-provost for university happiness and well-being has thoroughly devised this reopening plan, in close consultation with our university president, provost, and CFO. One member of the epidemiology department’s faculty was consulted and their views summarily dismissed for being too radical and injurious to our budget. You wouldn’t want the parking services staff laid off, would you? The deputy assistant under-provost for university non-happiness would be sad to have to do that!
Some of our faculty are upset about us having classes on campus. Despite the financial … I mean, uh, pedagogical issues that arise with zoom classes, they insist that it is reckless to invite students back on campus during this COVID-19 outbreak. We have dispatched our deputy assistant under-provost for doubleplus ungoodness to deal with these faculty members. In particular, when a faculty member protests and provides “information” that could potentially lead to our media relations staff being laid off, our trusty under-provost will be there to assure that the university message of safety and harmony will be there. Besides, we were very clear to the faculty that they should shut up about these issues, or else their administrative assistants would be laid off.
We want you to be very clear: It is YOUR responsibility to ensure that this semester is safe and successful! You wouldn’t want the bookstore staff to be laid off, would you? So, wear masks. Avoid parties. Well, apart from our six-foot-distanced meet and greet! Free beer! Show up! Apart from that one special event which we carefully crafted to make you feel welcome, please refrain from partying. Or we’ll have to send you home. And you don’t want the campus police to be laid off, would you? Our deputy assistant under-provost for university safety would be sad about that.
If you do hang out with your peeps (just showing you here that provosts can be cool!) in groups of 10 or more, we’ll be suspending you AND laying off the library staff.
Again, on behalf of my 300 assistant provosts and myself, welcome to the university. Behave yourself, and we won’t have to raise tuition and lay people off. But not the football coach. Definitely not him.
LawProfBlawg is an anonymous professor at a top 100 law school. He hates the Bar Exam. His thoughts are his and his alone and do not represent Above the Law or his University. You can see more of his musings here. He is way funnier on social media, he claims. Please follow him on Twitter (@lawprofblawg) or Facebook. Email him at [email protected]